Guiding Star
by SawyerRaleigh
Summary: "If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can't I?"


_Author's Note: I was listening to some of my favorite songs by Bond (They're an all female stringed quartet- very cool, I recommend looking them up on youtube. :P) and this story just sort of… started writing itself. (I was half asleep most of the time I was writing this, I don't think I can actually take that much credit for it so I credit the music.) By the way, although we often seem to associate yellow with happiness, it actually is traditionally assigned to fear apparently. Just as a side note before you read. :P_

_P.S. The summary, in case you don't recognize it, is part of the lyrics to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"._

_P.P.S. Hokuto's name by the way means "North Star"; the title is a reference to her name as well as the role she tends to play.  
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A music box tinkled an eerie, distant tune played on cold, forgotten metal and Kotori awakened to gray skies and blackbirds.

"Where…"

"You aren't anywhere just yet." A voice from several feet away told her.

She sat up, feeling the scrape of gravel beneath her fingertips, to see a girl about her own age sitting on a boulder several feet away. She seemed washed out, faded, as though she lay only halfway in existence, leaning toward disappearment.

"How can I not be anywhere?" Kotori wondered aloud.

"This is the gray world." The girl replied. "It's a kind of in between place that you stay in until you can get to the world you are supposed to be in."

"Which world am I supposed to be in?" Kotori asked, shivering as a breeze blew through the empty expanse of concrete she had been lying on, leaving her behind as it searched for warmer climates.

"I don't know. That's something you have to figure out for yourself." The girl stood up and held a hand out to her. "I can help you though if you want."

"That's awfully kind of you."

She placed her trust in the palm of the other girl's hand.

.

.

"The future is not yet decided."

Drops of blood fell from the sky, flooding the streets and suspension wires formed webs, ready to ensnare her at any moment. Electric cords hissed warning as they dampened and further poisoned already dangerous pools and small fires crackled intermittently. Clouds rippled across the sky, catching the waning sunlight light folds of molten lava and Kotori tried to step backward, almost falling off the rusty iron beam supporting she and the other girl.

"Where is this?" she asked with a horrified gasp.

"This is the red world. It's where anger and violence lie." The girl tilted her head. "But also the passion." She nodded in the distance to where a couple seemed to be otherwise engaged even amid the deluge. "I think that this is what inspired people to write about Hell, the torment and debauchery all twist together in this place.

A cross loomed above them and Kotori recognized herself bound to it. She also recognized Kamui standing on tiptoe to kiss her even as he drove the sword into her heart once more.

The smell of cinnamon wine twisted with the iron and the flames.

"Is this your world?" The girl asked.

Kotori shook her head. "I have been to this world before, but I don't think I belong in this one."

"Then we should leave quickly."

"Why?"

"You don't want to stay in any world that you don't belong to for very long. Trust me." The girl clutched at her hand and Kotori tore her eyes away from the cross where Kamui was now unbuttoning her blouse. Only then did she realize that her companion was staring at a sakura tree in the distance.

"What…"

"Let's go."

The girl's hand trembled slightly and for the first time, it occurred to Kotori to wonder who she was and how she herself had died.

.

.

Sunshine filtered through leaves, painting the earth a verdant fairytale.

Kamui and Fuuma were kneeling in the sandbox, playing with a frog and laughing with their heads close together at every ribbit of objection it gave.

"The green world?" Kotori asked.

The girl nodded.

"Like your eyes." She commented, eliciting a small smile.

The boys laughed again, chasing the frog as it tried to escape from the sandbox and Kotori wondered why she wasn't there. She used to be their friend too didn't she? Why wasn't she in the picture?

Once they lost interest in their slimy toy, the boys sat down on the grass and Kamui leaned aside with his hand cupped around Fuuma's ear to whisper something to him.

Kotori tugged slightly at the bottom of her shirt. What was he saying? Why couldn't she hear them from here? She should be there with them. She should be allowed to know what was going on too shouldn't she? Why had Onii-chan always had the privilege of being Kamui's best friend? Just because he was a boy? What if she wanted Kamui to herself? And why had Onii-chan always looked after Kamui so much more dearly than her? Why…

"I don't think this is your world." The girl tugged at her hand even as Kotori took a step forward.

"Why not?"

"Jealousy doesn't suit you."

.

.

The next world looked as if the air was filled with pollen or the light was dingy from an old closet light bulb.

"Yellow?" Kotori asked the girl beside her and she nodded.

"Green is for envy, red for passion… but what is yellow for?" she wondered aloud.

They walked down an empty hallway, sandpapery floorboards creaking eerily beneath their feet. Flickering lamps cast dusty shadows on the walls and Kotori shuddered.

"It's wrong." She announced more loudly than she intended, wincing at the way her voice bounced off the flimsy bare walls.

The girl gave her a curious look.

"The color is wrong." She insisted. "Something just isn't right here."

They turned the corner and Kotori realized where they were. This was her own home, she knew the layout of the hallways and the squeaky spot right by that one corner. However it had been gutted here and she could see the yellow, cracking wood that made up the frame of the house.

"Why is everything so bare?" She asked.

The girl considered her question carefully before answering. "I guess you could say that this is what lies beneath most other feelings.

Kotori's heart leapt into her throat as they continued down the hallway. She knew what room they were headed toward and she didn't want to go there, didn't want to see. She had not entered that room since she was nine years old and she knew that even if they didn't go in now, with only the shaky frame remaining, she would see everything.

"I don't want to go!" she blurted out. "I don't want to be here anymore."

The girl squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Then we can go."

Just before they disappeared, Kotori caught sight of blood and nearly panicked, believing it to be her mother's. It registered in the very last split second that it was a young man instead but she had no time to wonder who before they reached the next world.

.

.

Kotori smelled and heard the water rushing around her even before she opened her eyes and saw herself surrounded by wandering webs of light, capturing and releasing gossamer-finned fish. The sky above was cloudless and stretched on forever, just above the surface under which she sank gracefully.

"Blue world." She remarked to herself and turned her head for confirmation from the other girl, but found that she was staring at something deep below them. When Kotori looked down she saw a boy, no, a young man, staring into a mirror, yet the reflection was not his own. As they drifted closer, she realized that the image was in fact the girl beside her and she gasped when the man struck at it, shattering the mirror into silvery shards that scattered and glistened around him like confetti.

"Who is he?" Kotori asked, startling the girl. She could see the strain of the muscles in her neck as she turned away to face her.

"My brother." She quickly changed the subject, gesturing at their surroundings. "You've cried a lot of tears to have filled such an ocean." She remarked softly.

"What happens if I stay in this world?" Kotori wondered as they drifted closer to a grave she had known since she was nine.

The girl shrugged. "I'm not sure. I think you cry the same tears again and again and the ocean becomes infinitely vast and you drown forever in it.

"Why would anyone choose such a world?" Kotori wondered even as her heart squeezed, responding to the water pressure she hoped.

"Because sometimes drowning in your own tears is better than breathing in guilt or fear."

Kotori saw her own hand reach out for her mother, walking away to a blue sky she couldn't reach. She closed her eyes and with great effort, pulled her arm back.

"I can't stay in this world."

The girl took her hand and the tears dissolved away.

.

.

Another world began to materialize, or at least Kotori thought so, it was difficult to tell as it was so dark. She caught faint glimpses of ebony towers and inky clouds. She even thought she caught sight of the same young man from the previous world, staring out of a window in the tower, however it faded away as quickly as it had begun to appear.

"What happened?" she asked the girl.

"Your heart didn't want to go to the world."

"What world was it?"

"The one in which hatred lies."

Curiosity overtook her for a moment. "But we saw some of it, does that mean that it does exist for me?"

The girl shook her head. "What you saw, that was my own."

Kotori wondered at this. "Do you hate someone?" she asked, ignoring the potential for offense in the question.

"Sometimes." The girl admitted.

.

.

Lavender incense washed over Kotori and peace swept through her veins. This world was by far the quietest that they had encountered and there was only a faint gentle hum of serenity wrapping them in a cool embrace. She breathed deeply and opened her eyes to see violet drapes gently blowing in a silent breeze. She looked around, vaguely expected there to be something else, but there was nothing as far as the eye could see but drapes.

"Is it okay to sit down for a bit?" she asked the girl who nodded in response.

She closed her eyes and took another deep breath, embracing serenity. Her hair caught the breeze and she felt it brush over her shoulders, or was that the drapes? Did it matter? There was a strange, distant sense unity in the world, as if she were melting into it and becoming part of a much larger ambiguously defined Oneness. It would be so easy to stay here forever, so blissful. She would never have to think about… she struggled briefly to put a name to what it was she didn't have to think about and felt it slipping away like water through her fingertips.

The girl coughed quietly next to her, slightly stirring her reverie and Kotori opened her eyes again. Something… was missing wasn't it? She scanned the world, searching for whatever it was when a bluishly violet drape caught her attention and a pair of eyes flashed in her mind.

There was no sign of Kamui or Fuuma or her mother, or in fact anything related to her life so far as she could tell.

"Where are they?" Kotori asked aloud.

"They?" The girl's voice seemed sluggish and her eyes glazed as though she had been drugged.

"Everyone important to me. They've appeared in the other worlds, at least to some extent. Where are they here?"

The girl vaguely waved a hand around as though she could not quite muster more than that.

"Where is your brother?" Kotori pressed desperately, feeling as though cool hands were trying to cover her eyes and send her into blissfully unfeeling dreams once more.

The girl snapped to attention. "This is not my world." She announced overly loudly, more to herself than anyone else. She studied Kotori's face as she struggled not to drift back into silent reverie. "I don't think it's yours either."

They reached out to one another before they could go under once more.

"Where was that?" Kotori asked between worlds.

"Spirituality, dreams, meditation. Zen maybe. I'm not sure exactly how to define it, that world is kind of nebulous."

Kotori frowned slightly. "It was nice. But not right for me. Everything was so equal. I don't think I can love or live like that… there are always those who are more special to me than anyone else."

The girl gave her an understanding smile.

.

.

The glow of afternoon light was accompanied by the faint scent of orange peels with a hint of ginger. Kotori found herself at first enraptured by the most beautiful sunset she had ever seen waving goodbye as it settled to rest upon a distant hill. Then she heard the sound of a child's laugh behind her.

When she turned, she found a family picnic in progress, a sandy-haired man chasing his son and daughter as they squealed with delight and their mother watched with a smile as she bounced a giggling baby on her knee. Upon closer inspection, Kotori realized that the woman was in fact herself but older. The man at last "captured" the children, planting a loudly dramatic kiss on either of their foreheads and carrying them back to the blanket. Kotori felt her heart heave with joy as the family laughed and played together, enjoying the end of what seemed to be a perfect summer's day.

"This world his happiness?" she asked her companion.

The girl hesitated to respond and Kotori began to worry. "It is unadulterated happiness." She answered at last.

"What does that mean?"

"That nothing bad or sad can ever happen here."

"That's wonderful though isn't it?" Kotori wondered. "This seems like a great life..." She trailed off. "Who is he?" She asked, indicating the sandy-haired man.

"He's your husband in this world."

"But who is he? I've never seen him before; I have no idea what his name is."

The girl sighed. "He is the person with whom you could have been happy."

"But he's not Kamui." Kotori felt silly even pointing this out.

The girl did not respond.

_Unadulterated joy…_ Kotori thought. _Why would anyone choose anything else? _This version of her was living the perfect life, with the perfect family.

And yet…

"This isn't my world." She declared.

Her companion nodded and Kotori wondered if she had known that all along. She wondered if the girl did not stay here herself because she too could feel how incomplete it was.

.

.

The two girls returned to the gray world in which they first met.

"Do you know where you want to go?" The girl asked and Kotori nodded.

"I think I know where I belong."

"Do you know how to get there?"

Kotori nodded again. "I think I see it on the edge there." She turned and pointed in the distance, staring off at her destination for long while before facing the girl once more. "Will you come with me?"

"I can walk with you to the edge but I can't go there just yet."

"Okay."

Hand in hand, they walked for miles, for inches, for eons, for seconds, and the colors began to shift and blur. Here there was a perfumed patch of violets and there a green tree, beneath a yellow sun, distinct for only an instant before dissolving and mixing to reveal every combination of colors imaginable and some that were not. And at last they reached the very edge of the world, where all of the colors melded into one and they paused.

"Which one do you think he'll choose when he comes?" Kotori wondered aloud.

"I don't know." The girl answered honestly.

"Will you go to whichever world he chooses just to stay with him?"

The girl gave her a resigned smile. "We were born together. I always assumed that we would die together too."

Kotori nodded then leaned forward and kissed the girl's cheek. "Thank you so much." She whispered and at last let go of the girl's hand, raising her head and walking without hesitation into realm of purest white light.


End file.
